Musings of a Mysterious ManCredibility = 0. Opinions = 0 + Infinity.

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If you think I am back on here because something has pissed me off to the point that it warrants writing, you are correct. Actually, I’d say more annoyed than pissed off, but that line is already pretty blurred for me anyways.

What I am talking about is, people at Lifetime Fitness who consistently stare at themselves in the mirror. I don’t mean, “catch a peak at your arms as you walk to get water” look at yourself (although everyone sees you do this) — I am talking about the douchenozzles that only workout on machines/platforms/benches that are facing, and preferably within 15 feet of, a mirror.  Rather than looking at the ceiling when doing squats, these people check themselves out head to toe. They also take the “walk to the water fountain to look at yourself” trick to an entirely new level, a level which means it is no longer even remotely a trick, since they are walking one direction, and their head is  literally facing perpendicular to the direction of their body, of course looking into the mirror, hoping to catch their calf muscles flexing at just right angle in just the right light, giving them an immediate woody. These people don’t even try to hide the fact that they are checking themselves out — apparently the whole “drop your neck and lift your shoulders to look swole” move is not something you do alone in your house — apparently it is something you do in the middle of a gym full of 250 people. And apparently you must be wearing only a wife beater as you do this. When I see these people twisting and turning themselves in every direction, all the while keeping their eyes perfectly fixated on the mirror, I feel like I am watching the Erin Andrews peep show all over again, except then I remember this person is doing this in public, and they are dudes, and not insanely hot.

I’m guessing some of you have probably noticed these people before, but in case you haven’t, be sure to pay attention and look for them next time you are at the gym - they will be there (These people are ALWAYS at the gym. If I go straight from work, they are there. If I leave work late, go home and take a nap and then go, they are there. If decide to wake up early Saturday morning and go, they are there. And not only are they there, they are there when I get there, and they are there when I leave. One time I went and didn’t see them and thought, “Holy shit, they aren’t here!” I should have known better - when I went into the locker room on my way out, they were all in there shaving each others’ pubes), and they will probably have tattoos, a shaved head or spikey hair, their entire bodies will be shaved, and they will be carrying around either a gallon jug of water or a clear bottle with some red shit inside. And they probably have little dongs too.

I might as well change this to the American Idol bitching blog since it is the only thing that compels me to write anything anymore (it is the only thing people read). And after last night, I am here to rant once again.

My top 3 favorites this year, BY FAR, were Anoop, Danny, and Matt. After that, there was a HUGE dropoff to people that, while I thought they had some combination of talent in different areas, were not people to whom I found myself drawn - at least from a vocal standpoint. Obviously, none of my 3 favorites are left, so I genuinely don’t care too much about watching the finale. At this point, I am at least somewhat invested in the “competition” aspect, so I will probably tune in, but in terms of watching to hear great vocals, that time is over. I simply do not think Adam and Kris are very good singers - from a purely vocal standpoint.  

Like many others, I had pegged Adam and Danny as the clearcut favorites to be the top two. 2 months ago, if you had told me Kris Allen would be in the final two, then I would have told you you are as retarded as Adam Lambert is gay (wait, Adam Lambert is gay?). And I seriously doubt I was the only one either. And honestly, I think Kris Allen himself would have told you you were retarded if you thought that! 

So how the hell did Kris Allen wind up here? Here is my theory:

(And I know I am going to lose some love from all my co-Adam Haters out there, but hey, I gotta be honest)

Unlike many others in the top 10, Allen was never featured in any of the early shows. I doubt many people even expected him to get into the top 13. He had a decent voice, good looks, and could play the guitar - that’s essentially the only reason he slipped into the top 13. He seemed to be suffering early on since he did not bring anything special to the table and didn’t stand out vocally. Once he got into the top 13, his first week (Michael Jackson) seemed pretty lame, but there were still enough other shitty people that it didn’t matter, since he was still getting plenty of votes on his good looks. At this point, it seemed imminent that he was headed home once the obvious crappy people without looks were gone (Sarver, Jasmine, Jorge).

But then, Kris started to improve a bit, and the judges noticed it, which meant other voters would notice it as well. I didn’t think he was suddenly great or anything, but he definitely seemed to be getting better (AKA he was just picking better songs). His coming out of nowhere like this allowed him to play the underdog card. People LOVE the underdog. He already had quite a few fans since he was a good looking guy who could play the guitar, but now, might he be a good singer? Additionally, we started to get to “know” Kris a little bit more - we started to see this wholesome, sweet, humble guy, that again, fit right in with his underdog role. And the timing was critical - we began to get to know Kris as he was improving, not before, while he was barely drifting along.

Then, the best thing ever happened to him - he did Ain’t No Sunshine in a somewhat original way (although that version was already out there), an easy song to sing that was right in his register, and he nailed it. So now, he had shown that he could sing,  had all the ladies on board, and had the underdog card. No one else really had this (Adam and Danny had already built their fan bases). There were better singers (IMO), but guys like Anoop and Matt were featured early on in the show, built up expectations (which means bad weeks will lead to stronger criticism), weren’t good looking, and didn’t have the wild card thing going on for them, so when they had their off weeks, they didn’t have a “ticket” to keep them in the race. Even when Kris Allen came out with his epic stink bomb, All She Wants to do is Dance, he wasn’t even in the bottom three because he had already locked down the “good looking, underdog” ticket. 

One more thing Kris has/had going for him was his general style. The mix of the tone of his voice (despite being a poor man’s version of many singers out there today), with his contemporary acoustic sound, is very “in” by today’s music standards. He was basically the only contestant that appealed to the the calmer, acoustic, bar singer sound. So, add that to his “ticket.”

I think this “ticket” idea is the only way to make sense of the fact that Kris Allen is where he is today, despite having an extraordinarily average voice. I have said this before, but come on people, KRIS ALLEN HIMSELF SAID THAT HE WAS THE WORST SINGER OF THE 5 PEOPLE LEFT!!! I have to say, I liked him alot more after he said this, but he was 100% correct - vocally, he couldn’t compete with any of the other 4 people with whom he was standing. But doesn’t this tell you something if you are a Kris Allen fan - he himself doesn’t even think he is that good, or at least not as good as the others. Granted, that isn’t completely true - Kris was more talking about his voice, not necessarily the complete package, but as Randy continues to point out (thank God), this is a singing competition, so that should be at the extreme forefront of the judgment.

As much as I can’t stand Adam, I still can’t believe he will be standing next to Kris Freaking Allen next week. Although Adam’s voice is not something I find satisfying at all, at least he has a unique voice, can really belt out some power, and has a deceivingly good low range - it is his mid range and over the top screaming that I find quite annoying. Kris Allen on the other hand is just………..there. He brings nothing special to the table, a better version of his voice can be found all over the place, and his credibility with music “purists” is his creativity, which he gets WAAAAAAAY too much credit for considering every time he “changes” a song, he is really just finding a different version of the original already done by someone else. That sounds absolutely nothing like an American Idol to me.

Part 2 coming tomorrow……How the hell did he pass up Gokey?

Alright, I think its about time for another American Idol/Adam Lambert update. We are in the territory now where everyone is at least a solid singer, so I pretty much look forward to everyone’s performances, meaning I will be at least remotely disappointed every time someone goes home. And when I say remotely, I actually just mean the lowest possible increment above zero.

So what I will do now is rank the remaining contestants from person I would care least if they went home, to person I would cry myself to sleep at night if they went home:

1. Kris Allen - I know this will probably be pretty unpopular, and I do see appeal of him I guess. And to his credit, he has greatly improved over the course of the competition. But, for anyone who can put looks aside, it is quite obvious that although he does have a decent voice, there are thousands and thousands of Kris Allens out there. Go to a decent bar in Austin, or just about anywhere around the world, and there is a decent chance there is some guy in there with a pretty decent voice, playing an acoustic guitar pretty well, probably singing John Mayer songs and actually sounding not half bad. Kris Allen just does not seem much better than any of these people to me. He got smart and picked some good songs that were either easy to sing (”Ain’t no Sunshine”- hell, on the cruise I went on a few years ago, a guy on there killed that song) or right in his vocal range. But the problem with him remains that although his voice isn’t bad, it is not powerful, it is not unique, and his range is very limited.

2. Lil Rounds - I never really cared for her that much, even when she was doing well in the beginning, just because I am somewhat tired of the powerful black woman singers and she didn’t seem to bring anything extra to the table. She pretty much fell off a cliff a few weeks ago and has been terrible ever since. She just drives me crazy when she tries to put her Memphis accent into everything and it ends up sounding terrible. The only reason I ranked her higher than Kris is because she at least hits a few of those awesome, powerful notes every song that are remotely entertaining. But outside of that, she is pretty terrible.

3. Allison Iraheta - After the Heart song she sang (which was really awesome), I have just been less and less impressed with her each week. There is just something about her voice that doesn’t really do it for me - its like it doesn’t seem as easy to her as it does some of the others. And I am pretty sure her braces make her slur alot of her words and it just sounds really awkward. She does have a unique voice I guess, and I don’t hate the raspy aspect, but compared to someone like Kelly Clarkson, I think KC has an infinitely “purer” voice than Allison.

4. Adam Lambert - Although I did kind of enjoy the chorus part of Born to Be Wild (I love hard rock music), I thought vocally it was one of Lambert’s worst performances. His normal notes just sounded off, and a large majority of his screaming was just annoying. Of course, the performance’s production aspect would lead you to believe you were watching Aerosmith up there, but in fact, it was simply an average singer that can sing really high notes that has been in Hollywood for years unable to get attention.

5. Matt Giraud - At this point in this list is where we get to the people that I genuinely don’t want to see go home. To me, Matt has the most potential as an artist because he has the best OVERALL voice (best mix of pure, unique, powerful, large range, “current”), can rock the piano, isn’t a terrible looking dude, and has a decent persona. I think once he gets in a studio (his studio recordings are some of the best) and finds the best mix of songs, he will really show what he can do. And I always like the songs he picks too…..(but last week, MAN - he really effed up the bridge part) 

6. Danny Gokey - Of all the random hatred out there for certain contestants, this one is the least understandable to me. Actually, I don’t even mind the people that hate him for thinking he is smug (although only an idiot would think that is the case) - the ones that say he doesn’t have a good voice are who drive me crazy. While I think Matt has the best OVERALL voice, I think Danny clearly has the most powerful voice, and has an incredibly awesome mid/high range that consistently gives me goosebumps. Anyone who thinks he does not have a good voice, go listen to his PYT recording - it is freaking awesome. I hate to use this kind of logic, but I think it has merit - there is a reason the judges pegged Gokey as one of the favorites from the beginning, and unlike Lambert, you can’t argue that it was because of his “performances” - it was clearly because of his voice. You are crazy if you don’t think the top 2 are going to be Gokey and Lambert - but Gokey will be there because of his voice, and Lambert will be there because of his performances.

(Disclaimer: To be perferctly honest, alot of the reason Danny is going to be in the top 2 is because he appeals to the Christian, conservative demographic much more so than anyone else. But still, if he didn’t have a great voice, I don’t think it would even matter)

7. Anoop Desai - I ultimately watch American Idol because I am completely enamored by people that can sing well. This is just me, but I care VERY LITTLE about the performance aspect - I am listening to hear awesome voices. I’ve said it from the beginning, and I still stand by it 100% - Anoop has EASILY the best pure voice of any one in the competition. Sure he doesn’t have the range of others, he doesnt have the high end of Lambert, and he doesn’t have the overall power Gokey has. But when he sings (songs that are right for him)…….it just sounds so good to me. Youtube “Clefhangers” - he is in this bad ass acapella group at UNC and they are totally awesome and he is usually the lead singer.

Unfortunately, both Anoop and Matt will probably go home next week, meaning I will have to take a day off next Thursday to get over my pain. 

Freakin Lambert.

Yep, I’m about to do this. I’m about to go where no other human has ever gone. I’m about to say what no other human has ever even THOUGHT.

Adam Lambert is not THAAAAT good.

I’m going to pause for a bit while everyone recovers from hearing a statement so out there, so blasphemous, that it cannot possibly be processed by a human brain.

(…………………………….)

Now, I know you are still in a state of shock right now, but I am still going to try to talk about this in a serious tone. If the only way you can continue reading is to tell yourself that all of this is a complete joke, I totally understand.

Basically, I just think Adam Lambert is by far the most overrated singer on this season of American Idol, yet everyone I talk to swears he is God’s gift to singing. Hell, my Dad likes him so much that he bet me five bucks he wasn’t gay, even after I showed him these pictures (ok, it was before the pictures, but still). Don’t get me wrong, I think he is a solid singer, has a range that no other guy can reasonably hit, and has one note he hits that even gives me goose bumps. He is by far the best performer, and his confidence and stage presence are unrivaled. But to me it ends there - he is not that great of an overall singer, and at the very least, is nowhere near the singer everyone seems to think he is. I think Danny Gokey, Matt Giraud, and Noop Dawg all have considerably better “voices” than Lambert.

I think Lambert’s performance from Wednesday is what finally did me in. After hearing the judges gush over it, I found myself utterly confused. Figuring that almost all the other mindless peons people I knew out there agreed, I asked what they thought of the performance. I got nothing less than, “I am going to give my first kid to Adam Lambert so he can raise it with his partner” ”If you didn’t like Adam Lambert before tonight, there is no way you don’t after that performance.” I have watched the entire performance 3 more times since then, and I am still shell shocked that people think that was anything more than slightly above average. People are just obsessing over it because, “he did something different,” and looked “nice”, even though it was pretty boring and hardly better than most of the other performances that night. 

If I really wanted to get specific with this, I would now insert specific audio clips where I find his voice to be very average/bad, but since I know no one is paying attention at this point due to their body convulsions, I will simply keep that for another time.

Summary: Adam Lambert is a pretty good singer, excellent performer, and gay, but is not nearly the singer that Gokey/Giraud/Desai are.

I log onto facebook.

I click photos.

I click on someone’s new album.

I start clicking on pictures.

I punch myself in the head very hard.

Why did I do that? Because I just saw ANOTHER picture someone has posted that could only be explained by this person attempting to apply their take of the movie “Ghost” to their pictures. I can’t possibly overexagerate how annoyed I get when I look at pictures like this.

Seriously, do you think that looks ok? Do you think that looks good? Do you think I am not sitting there immediately thinking you are a huge retard? If you answered yes to any of those, you can go ahead and punch yourself in the head too.

Admittedly, I understand how a blurry picture might happen. Somehow, your fat fingers turned your flash off, or you were trying to take pictures while doing backflips - totally understandable. My problem is that you still put these pictures on facebook like they are worth anything more than the accumulation of shit via my dog (ok, and maybe J from New Years) in my backyard. What’s even worse is that people often post like 17 pictures in a row from Europe that more closely resemble screenshots of the Blair Witch Project. TURN YOUR FUCKING FLASH BACK ON!!!!!

So a few rules for people posting pictures on facebook (for now, only related to blurry pictures):

1. First and foremost, make sure you have your flash on when you are taking pictures. The default setting is “auto” for 99.9% of cameras, which means that the camera knows when to use the flash, so unless you are fucking with shit, this shouldn’t change. Unless you are outdoors in the middle of the day, you should see a flash in every picture you take. If you don’t, there is a 99% chance it is blurry.

2. Don’t take pictures of dark skylines at night while riding a horse. Or anything like that.

3. Most importantly, if you do happen do take a blurry picture, do not under any circumstances post it on facebook. If you do, I will immediately start spamming your comments, with, “THIS PICTURE SUCKS.”

Thanks, and Gig’em

Alright, Raygun Gothic has just released a new game called Twitch. It is very similar to the Escapa! game I put up earlier, but it is actually quite better. Most importantly, there is a leader board, so there is no need for screenshots or videos.

So go ahead and get started, and who knows, maybe I will do another giveaway……

We have an escapa winner, Harriet Tubman, who confirmed his time through a camstudio video, so the time was legit.

Thanks to all those who participated - hopefully we can do more of these in the future!

We are putting up for the sale the MSI Nettop reviewed over at L337tech.com. Check out the reviews and tutorials over there at www.l337tech.com.